Love in the Time of Infertility: A Valentine’s Memo
Either you love valentines or you hate it—depending on where you are in the love department.
I remember rolling my eyes watching men line up at the flower shop on Valentine’s while I was single (working endlessly on my PhD and eating lots of hummus, crackers, and cheese). But it can definitely be a day of love regardless of your relationship status. For couples struggling to get pregnant, Valentine’s Day can be a reminder of why you got together in the first place.
Random facts about Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day wasn’t always about heart shaped messages, candy, balloons, or roses. In fact, it has pretty dark and violent origins in ancient Rome with the feast of Lupercalia. Shakespeare and Chaucer played up the romance side of Valentine's Day in their writing, yet it wasn't until the Middle Ages that handmade paper cards became part of Valentine’s. By 1913, Hallmark had started mass producing valentines cards in the US and now we have the valentines section of every store today.
Valentine’s Day spending in the US is expected to reach $23.9 billion this year, but only 53 percent of Americans plan to celebrate the holiday in 2022. That other 47% is buying a lot of boxed chocolate and cards. Candy (56 percent), greeting cards (40 percent) and flowers (37 percent) remain the most popular gift items this Valentine’s Day. A third of respondents plan to gift an “evening out” this year. But not everyone does something or buys something on the 14th.
The more important reminder than buying something is doing something—for yourself, your family and your significant other. It’s a chance to take a break from the fertility world of test strips, calendars, and anxiety to just enjoy each other's company. It’s like jumping off a treadmill after a long run and realizing it feels weird to be still again. Taking a break for romance, can revive your relationship and put you two back in the equation.
Stress and fertility
As I’ve mentioned in another blog post, women who are more stressed are less likely to get pregnant and chronic stress can lead to a host of health issues from inflammation, triggering-autoimmunity, delayed or missed ovulation, which messes up your cycle, can contribute to weight gain and an increase in blood glucose.
High cortisol, the hormone you release when stressed, has been shown to make it harder when trying to conceive (TTC). Studies show that the experience of infertility is linked to an increase in stress, grief, anxiety, and depression in women. This is significant and often overlooked by providers and when you are depressed, you are less likely to feel like you want or can show affection or deserve to receive it.
Most people don’t think of sex as stressful, but for those who have not been able to get pregnant in the time they expected, it can become another added “to do” among daily chores. Stress and negative emotions, including anxiety and depression, can contribute significantly to sexual inhibition, which can change arousal and desire. Being less likely to be in the mood doesn’t help with getting pregnant.
Romantic Love and fertility
We’ve all heard or read a story of honeymoon or vacation babies. Relaxation and romance does improve at least some, hormones. A study found that women reportedly “in love” had higher levels of gonadotropins (FSH, LH) and lower testosterone levels compared to single women who were not in love, although estradiol did not change. Another interesting study found that women who scored high on intimacy and passion had more children, but this was not true for men (way to go guys).
An important key is being happy emotionally, physically and romantically, regardless of your status of TTC. It helps your health and your relationship.
Some tips for Valentine’s
Take the night/week off from TTC - this doesn’t mean not having intimacy on Valentine’s, it means taking a break from all the other fertility “do-do’s”— i.e. cycle counting, discussing babies, treatments, using test strips, etc. Consider it a “night off” or better yet a “week off.”
Plan to do something you both loved before you were TTC to remind you of your romance before. Italian food? Movie night? Meeting up at a bar?
Go away. It doesn’t have to be on the 14th, but one night away in a hotel can be marvelous (especially if you are working from home).
Plan a double date for later in the week/month. (Harder to do in the pandemic, but going on a date with another couple—and a rule of not talking about kids if they have them—is healthy to do in general for romance.
Look at old photos. When you first met, wedding photos, vacation photos. Remembering the happy times is good for anyone and start talking about what you want to do next (without thinking about a baby).
Overwhelmed? I get it. I was when I was starting out. Which is why I created the Simplina coaching program—to help both you and your partner make the changes you need to optimize your fertility in a way that is personalized and doable for you. Join our coaching program to start today.